


never a clean break

by trainerlyra



Category: Subarashiki Kono Sekai | The World Ends With You
Genre: First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Canon, Romance, Vague Hints of a Plot, bc well. you know, honestly started as angst and i have no idea what happened to it, this is honestly. such a mess i'm sorry lmfao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:02:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26906320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trainerlyra/pseuds/trainerlyra
Summary: Neku just wants to have a conversation with Joshua about what had happened. Too bad things were never that simple when it came to him.
Relationships: Kiryu "Joshua" Yoshiya/Sakuraba Neku, Misaki Shiki & Sakuraba Neku
Comments: 8
Kudos: 54





	never a clean break

**Author's Note:**

> *shows up to this fandom 13 years late with starbucks* not mitzi once again falling for the inherit eroticism of partners/rivals where one of them shoots the other in the face ~~or has anything to do with guns in general, thanks vrains~~
> 
> anyways, i wrote this is three sittings, wish i didn't since i work 6 days a week and now i am Tired, characterization waffles a little bit but i'll get there next time hopefully. there was supposed to be a plot but i got distracted by emotion. what else is new. hope y'all enjoy anyways!

It took six weeks of meeting at Hachiko for Joshua to show up, and Neku wasn't even sure he was really surprised. Not when, since he'd first woken up back in Shibuya and realized he was _alive_ , he'd started putting the puzzle pieces together around him.

Small things, at first. Things would go missing and seemingly pop back into reality just to annoy him and make him thing he was going crazy. Then he started finding money on the sidewalk when he needed to recharge his rail pass, or somehow he'd always have enough time to grab his shit and go when he worked on his own tags throughout the city; trying his hardest to come into his own and not just emulate CAT. Especially now that he knew who, exactly, CAT was.

Then it was bigger things, larger things that he _knew_ could only be the work of one person. If Neku could even call him that. He'd text Shiki _school sucks today, wish we could leave lol_ and then he'd be unceremoniously pulled from class for no reason, letting him out on the streets to walk free. He'd purposefully forget something at home only to have it show up in his bag as if he'd put it there the whole time. Hell, he'd even seen extra food that he'd bought with the _intention_ of getting Joshua to show himself vanish when he turned to look at something else.

It was, in his opinion, starting to get ridiculous.

So when Joshua actually showed up at Hachiko one Sunday afternoon, acting as if he'd been there every weekend - which, to be fair, maybe he had been - Neku wasn't even a little bit surprised.

His friends couldn't exactly say the same, however.

"Is that…" Shiki trailed off, uncertain, her grip on Mr. Mew tightening just a fraction.

Joshua, of course, sighed dramatically. "I went through all the trouble of stopping by to see you, dear, and you couldn't even warn your friends?" He shook his head, almost as if chastising him like he should've _known_. "How long the days have felt without you by my side, Neku."

It was Joshua, alright. Neku didn't bother to hide his scowl. "There are better ways to get my attention then altering reality, you know," he said quietly, crossing his arms over his chest. "Did you think I wouldn't notice?" Hopefully his friends, in this case, wouldn't.

"If you hadn't noticed, I would be more than a little concerned about your well-being," Joshua replied, as _if_ being concerned about his well-being was a usual occurrence. "That aside, I was hoping you all would let me join you for your weekly gathering." His eyes moved through the group slowly, and all four of them knew at that moment they didn't really have much of a choice.

Well, Neku amended, he alone probably did. "If it's fine with these guys," he said after a long moment, shrugging his shoulders.

He wouldn't admit it, though Shiki at the very least already knew, that he had missed Joshua terribly. The only reason Shibuya's Composer had probably even bothered to show up is because Neku had been bugging him mentally for the last six weeks with no signs of stopping. Some of it was intentional - getting on Joshua's nerves had become something of a habit, he supposed - and loathe as he was to admit it, some of it had been entirely out of his control.

Those thoughts, the ones where he didn't _really_ mean to think them but they lingered in his head anyways, were probably the ones Joshua responded to the most. And on his walk over to Hachiko that day, one had popped up without any approval from him.

_I wish Joshua would show up today. I miss him._

The honest, stupid and simple thoughts were the ones Neku hated the most. Where he didn't elaborate or try and express himself any further so Joshua wouldn't inevitably get the wrong idea. He'd been having those more and more lately, as the Composer kept doing more and more to Neku's every day life. That was probably exactly _why_ Joshua had been more active as of late, but that wasn't something Neku wanted to think about much at the moment.

Instead, he'd try not to commit the way Joshua smiled at him and him alone to memory, or think about the fact that he probably knew _exactly_ how that smile made him feel.

Neku scowled as his friends made their hesitant agreements, and started to head over to Sunshine.

_Asshole_ , he thought with force as he glared into Joshua's back. _Asshole, asshole, asshole._

* * *

"So," Shiki cornered him after class that day, giving him a determined look behind her glasses. "Are you gonna talk about Joshua showing up yesterday, or do I have to pry it out of you over some burgers?"

Neku groaned inwardly, shoving the last of his books into his backpack. "How about neither?" he asked her, trying his best not to look at her. If he looked too long, he knew he'd fall victim and have to confess. And the goal was _not_ to talk about anything related to Josh ever again.

Shiki rolled her eyes, following him closely out of the classroom. He was lucky that Eri had something come up that day - else the both of them would be on his case. "How about we go get some food and you tell me anyways?" She shot right back, grinning widely.

Yesterday had been… normal. Almost too normal. Joshua had acted like he'd been going to their meetings since they started, and though Beat and Shiki were extremely off put at first, eventually they both warmed up to his presence. It probably helped that neither of them remembered that he'd shot Neku, or that he was the Composer. All they remembered was that he was Neku's partner during the second week of the Game.

It had really felt like they were all friends, the exact thing Neku had been wishing for since the Game had ended. It felt too good to be true. And once everyone else had left, and it was just Joshua and Neku alone, he'd given Neku that obnoxious smug smile of his and vanished into thin air without another word.

The most frustrating part was that he had no idea what that _meant_. Would he see Josh again soon? Would they never speak again? Would he wake up one morning and forget he ever existed? Neku didn't know, and he hated every moment of it. And he couldn't exactly talk to Shiki about these thoughts, either, seeing as she had no idea what was going on in that respect.

So instead, Neku just shook his head. "I missed him, Shiki," he told her honestly, wishing it wasn't true. "And I'm glad he showed up yesterday. I just don't want to get my hopes up that it'll become a regular thing."

Nothing out of the ordinary had happened that day yet, either, which further confused him. Maybe Joshua was playing tricks on him, after all.

Shiki gave him a sympathetic smile. "Trust your partner, right?" She laughed a little at her bad joke, and Neku couldn't help but smile too. "Besides, he was in the Game too. I'm sure he's got his own thoughts to sort out over it. Maybe he's just the type to do that on his own, and once he's got it figured out, he'll be around so much you'll hate him again."

Neku snorted. "We'll see about that."

_If only things were that easy._

* * *

However, this time around, Joshua didn't make him wait nearly as long.

He was sitting in Sunshine by himself, just eating a burger and some fries and trying to sketch out his next mural idea. Next thing he knows, his basket of fries has moved and there's a boy staring back at him with a smug expression on his face.

To his credit, Neku didn't jump. "Go get your own," he snapped, pulling his food back towards himself. To a passerby, he probably sounded almost excessively hostile. Neku was confident Joshua would know the true feelings behind those words, however.

"And here I thought you missed me." Joshua took a bite out of a single fry, shaking his head a little as he did. "How disappointing."

"And here _I_ thought I told you there were better ways to get my attention," Neku countered instantly. "You don't have to…" He paused, waving his hands empathically. "You know, do _this_. You _can_ just text me. We're…"

He hesitated to say _friends_ to the other boy's face. It's not that they _weren't_ ; they were partners. Their bond went way past just friendship. Joshua had _shot him_. _Twice_ , and he lived to tell the tale. Joshua was just… an other worldly being. Using the word friends seemed almost juvenile.

"You know," Neku finished lamely. Joshua looked like he was holding back laughter.

A click of his cell phone, and he'd materialized another basket of fries for himself. "I do know," he agreed, but Neku wasn't sure he understood at all. "But where's the fun in doing that?" It was like he specialized in pissing Neku off. _Honestly_.

Sighing, Neku narrowed his eyes at the boy sitting across from him. "Why are you here, Josh?"

Though he'd shown up in Hachiko the other day, Joshua had mostly been operating from the shadows since the end of the third Game. Neku still wasn't exactly sure why, if he were being honest. It wasn't like he hadn't asked to see him, or even just talk to him, instead of the obnoxious materializations that he kept doing. It was somewhat of a miracle Joshua hadn't left yet, considering.

"I can't enjoy lunch with my partner?" He answered with his own question, looking at him with a sly smile. "Why, I'd almost say you weren't happy to see me, dear. I'm crushed."

Can _we have a real conversation about everything?_ Neku wondered, not sure how he would even begin something like that. When Joshua had joined him with everyone for the weekly meeting, things had stayed light and they never had one on one time. More so than that, Shiki and Beat hadn't remembered the final part of the Game. They hadn't remembered that Joshua had been the Composer, that he'd lost by not being able to shoot him, and that…

And that Joshua had, for some reason, returned them all back and let Shibuya continue on in all its glory, despite that.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, eating slowly. Finally, Neku looked him in the eyes, searching for answers he wasn't sure he would ever receive. "I need you to be honest with me," he said, steeling himself for what was to come.

Joshua, for his part, looked mildly offended. "I've told you before that I don't lie for no reason. What happened to trusting me?"

"I _do_ trust you," Neku shot back instantly, fervor in his voice. " _Trust your partner._ You were, and are, my partner. I can't _not_ trust you, after everything." _After you brought us all back,_ he didn't say. "So I just… want to know _why_."

It wasn't often anymore that Neku felt nervous when he was with someone he trusted as implicitly as Joshua, but waiting for an answer seemed to be taking eternity and he felt himself shifting uncomfortably on the plush bench. There were a thousand different outcomes he could see happening. Too many of them involved him not getting an answer at all. Quite a few involved him getting an answer he didn't like.

Whatever it was, he decided, he would learn to live with it. He would have to, if Joshua refused to give one. He'd been getting better at learning to live in this new and reborn Shibuya. What was one more thing to add to his list?

"Would an answer really make things easier?" Joshua asked, tone suddenly devoid of its usual lilt. His eyes were serious, as if he was staring into Neku's very soul - which, well. Neku shifted again, realizing suddenly he probably _could_ scan him if he wanted to. "If I were to try and explain it to you, would knowing somehow make the questions stop? Make everything make sense?" Joshua leaned back into the booth, giving Neku a grim smile. "I don't believe that's something that should come from me."

That wasn't at all what Neku had been expecting. A non-answer, or even a lie, would've been more in line with what he was used to from Joshua. He had a particularly bad habit of evading questions, but this felt different. During their week together as partners in the Game, they'd spoken about things like this a few times; about their philosophies on life. About Neku's dislike of people and how slowly, his world view was expanding and he was learning to love the differences instead. But usually those conversations were short lived and not something Neku had dwelled on until it was too late.

Now, though, Joshua didn't look like he had any intention of going anywhere. He seemed to have settled in, watching Neku carefully for his response.

"I don't know," Neku admitted after a moment, shrugging helplessly. "I don't know if it would make things make sense from back then. There's still so much about that week that I don't understand, and half the time I'm not sure if I even want to. I lose, but I'm still here, right? Shiki, Beat, Rhyme, we're all alive. That's more than I can say for others, right?" He sighed, wishing for a brief moment that he still had his headphones with him to help block out the cacophony of thoughts scrambled around in his head. "But moving on is hard when only three people know it ever happened. Four, I guess, if I count you." He pushed his empty basket away from himself, but his eyes didn't leave Joshua.

Part of him, he supposed, was still scared that if he looked away, Joshua would disappear. It wouldn't be the first time. Nor would it be the last, if Neku had to guess.

"How about this?" Joshua broke the silence that had started to drape over them, expression and tone back to what Neku was accustomed to. "In a month, take me on a date. If at the end of the date you still want the answers to your questions from me, I'll oblige. Do we have a deal?"

Furrowing his eyebrows, Neku tried his best to hide the way his face warmed at the suggestion. He sunk into the seat a little bit more, as if that would somehow put more distance between him and the Composer sitting across from him. "A date?" Neku coughed, pretending that his voice didn't just raise in pitch. When Joshua's smile turned smug, he finally looked away. There was no reasoning with Joshua once he got like this, Neku knew rather well. " _Fine_ ," he spat out, embarrassment coloring his speech. "You've got yourself a deal."

Joshua clapped lightly, chuckling to himself as he stood up from the booth instead of just disappearing into thin air. "I'll see you at Hachiko then, partner." He didn't turn around to wave, and didn't offer Neku anything more than that.

Staring into the space Joshua had just been, Neku blinked once, twice, then a third time. Groaning, he slammed his forehead on the table. Joshua had been right about one thing, though. Nothing was ever simple when it came to the Composer of Shibuya. Nothing at all.

* * *

Though he had said a month, it wasn't even a full week before Joshua showed up outside of Neku's school gates. His eyes widened at the sight of him, and then took in the surroundings - a flock of girls from his grade swarming him, asking a thousand questions.

From beside him, Shiki laughed behind her hand.

"Sorry, I only have eyes for my dear partner," Neku could hear Joshua telling them, and he nearly froze in place. Shiki's laughter only grew. "Oh, I think I see him right now. Good afternoon, dear!"

Joshua waved heartily, smile full of mischief. Neku groaned aloud.

"What are you doing here?" Neku asked, as the girls that had been surrounding Joshua all looked at him with varying expressions of shock. "I thought the deal was-"

"Oh, I know. I just missed you, is all," he said, but it was most certainly not sincere. At least, Neku didn't think so with the way he looked like he was having the time of his life for ruining Neku's school reputation. "Hello, Shiki. I'm going to steal Neku for the day."

Shiki moved aside, giggling subsiding a bit. She was a bit too intuitive sometimes, Neku thought, and their conversation the other day likely hadn't helped her perception of their relationship. Plus, of course, there was the added memory issue, and Neku wasn't stupid enough to go telling them the missing pieces. No matter how badly he sometimes wanted to.

"Of course," she agreed with ease, already moving to leave the school and head home. "I'll catch up with you later, Neku!"

Before he could protest, she was already gone, and Joshua was lightly dragging him in the opposite direction. "What are you doing here?" Neku asked instead, knowing he wasn't going to make the situation stop. "I didn't think I'd see you until the end of the month."

Joshua raised a single eyebrow at him. "I wasn't lying a moment ago," he said, shaking his head. "What happened to trusting me, hm?"

_How many times is he going to bring that up?_ Neku wondered to himself, shaking his own head right back at him. He wasn't even going to bother answering that again after last time. "Whatever," he said instead, sighing. "Where are we going?" Maybe he'd at least answer _that_.

"I thought we could go pay Sanae a visit," Joshua told him, finally letting go of the hold he had on his hand. Neku looked down, trying to place why it felt so empty. "Besides, you keep saying you want to see me more often. I'm trying to be nice, you know."

_Joshua_ and _nice_ in the same sentence didn't quite compute for Neku. His patience for this was also growing thin, glad as he secretly was to see him. "I want to be your friend," he said honestly, trying hard to speak from his heart. It wasn't easy, now that he was back in the RG and knew other people could potentially hear him, but this was important. "You can text me, or even call me, like a normal friend would."

"Don't you enjoy being escorted to see your favorite graffiti artist?" Though Neku had been serious, Joshua didn't seem to want to follow suit. "I _am_ trying to be around more often for you. It's just not exactly that simple." Neku waited for him to continue, but he didn't elaborate.

_That_ he was used to, at least. He'd take what he could get. "What does Mr. H want?" He finally settled on.

He hadn't seen much of Hanekoma since the game, either, but new CAT tags had been popping up here and there around Shibuya. Neku had tried going to WildKat a few times with Shiki and Beat, but it was always closed when they showed up.

"We can't go visit an old friend for no reason?" Joshua replied in kind, as if he ever did _anything_ without reason. Or knew how to have a normal conversation, where he actually answered Neku's questions regularly instead of throwing back some of his own. "I'll stop you before you badger me. He wanted to say hello. He keeps asking about you."

Neku frowned. "I've tried going to meet him a few times now," he said, confused. "If he wanted to see me-"

"He wanted to see you _without_ your merry little band of survivors. So he could talk to you about things they wouldn't know."

_Oh_. Neku was getting sick of feeling like his brain left his body every time he was around Joshua. He wasn't even sure why he couldn't seem to focus around the other boy, either. At first he had thought it might be because he knew Joshua had killed him. Not only once, but _twice_. But he'd known that fact for a long while, and Neku didn't think it was related. It was a feeling he wasn't used to having, and one that he couldn't really describe in words. He'd tried talking to Shiki about it before, but she was always so cryptic about this and only this for some reason.

Before he could think of something to say, he realized they were already in front of the building. The _CLOSED_ sign hung lopsided in the door, same as it had been the last few times Neku had tried to see him. Ignoring the sign completely, Joshua pushed it open, leading him into the cafe.

As soon as they stepped in, the lights turned on, and Hanekoma waved as if it hadn't been two months since he and Neku had seen each other. "Howdy, Phones, J," he said, pouring a cup for himself. "What can I get you boys?"

Neku wasn't even sure what to say. He opened his mouth and closed it, looking something akin to a fish. He'd spent a decent chunk of the first few weeks after the Game trying to track this man down, only to find out that he'd been right where he thought the entire time. Just… avoiding his friends, since they didn't retain the memories he did.

Which, Neku supposed, should be his first question. Bypassing greetings, he sat down next to Joshua, and just went straight for the kill. "Why do I remember everything but my friends don't?"

To his credit, Hanekoma laughed. "Cool your jets, kid. Why don't we all just relax for now, yeah? It's been awhile since we've seen each other."

He scowled in response, deepening when he looked at Joshua's expression. There was far, far too much glee at him getting slightly scolded. "But I've been trying to talk to you since the Game ended," he said, visibly deflating. "But there's no way I'm getting you to talk now, is there?"

Hanekoma hummed in response, pouring mugs for both he and Joshua. "Nope," he agreed. "So I hear the two of you have some sort of deal worked out?"

Joshua, who had already lit up like a Christmas tree, seemed to be practically glowing now. "Oh, yes, Sanae," he said, too excited for Neku's liking. "At the end of the month, we'll be going on a date." He laughed a little, as if the whole thing was some sort of cosmic joke.

To be fair, to him, it probably was. Neku narrowed his eyes. "Only so I can get my answers," he reminded the other boy. The fresh coffee in his hands felt about as warm as his face then.

Waving him off, Joshua rolled his eyes. "Details, details, dear." He turned back to Hanekoma, twinkle in his eye. "I'm sure you two have a lot to catch up on, however. Should I take my leave for a bit?"

Somehow, Joshua always managed to defy expectations. Neku had assumed if he was dragging him to speak to Hanekoma, he would sit and talk with them - or at least make sure the older man didn't say anything out of line. He seemed like the sort. Instead, he was already standing, finished cup of coffee sitting on the table next to Neku's half drunk one of his own.

"Sure thing, boss." Hanekoma gave him a cheeky smile. "See you in a bit."

Neku didn't even know what to say to that, or if he should say anything at all. As he left, he watched Joshua's back, feeling an uncomfortable pit form in his stomach. Sometimes he wondered if he even knew Joshua at all.

"So, kid," Hanekoma said, turning back to him after a few moments of silence had passed. "I might not be able to answer everything - contractually, I mean - but I'll tell you what I can. So shoot."

Neku took a deep breath, willing the odd feelings away. It almost felt a bit like longing, but he didn't even want to think about what that might mean. "Okay," he said slowly. "Let's start with my question from earlier - why did you guys leave my memories alone?"

* * *

As much as he didn't want to admit it, Neku was starting to see what Josh had meant about his questions getting answered. There was so much from the Game, so much from those few weeks that he didn't understand, hadn't come to terms with, that it had seemed like the most logical place to start. If he knew the _why_ for some of what had happened, maybe it would be easier to make sense of it all.

Like why he was chosen to be Joshua's proxy. Why there had been a Game for Shibuya at all.

Even though Hanekoma had been fairly forthcoming in his answers - at least, the ones he was allowed to answer - Neku had woken up the next day feeling much the same as he had every single day since the Game had ended. None of the answers he'd gotten had helped him come to terms with what had happened to him.

He'd been allowed to keep his memories because of Joshua. His friends hadn't because of Joshua. Shibuya had been on the line because the Composer had been… depressed, for lack of a better word, and whatever he'd found during the three weeks that Neku had played, it was enough to convince Joshua that he'd been wrong about something.

Maybe the problem, Neku was starting to realize, is that nothing about the situation would _ever_ fully make sense to him. After all, he was just a human caught up in the wiles of the underworld. For whatever reason, Joshua had just deemed him the unlucky one to become his proxy. Most humans would never even step foot into the UG, and if they did as Players, most would not make it out to tell the tale.

Before the Game, he'd been going through the motions of life. Just kind of existing, and hoping for everyone to leave him alone so he could do his own thing - make art, listen to his own music, and go through at his own pace. None of the hustle and bustle of Scramble Square.

But things had changed. He had grown to understand that part of the beauty of life was the fact that everyone was different, with their own experiences, and that he should embrace those differences rather than try and fight them. _Nobody will ever understand me_ , he used to think, _so why should I bother trying to understand anyone else?_ That was the way he had lived for so long, and it was only thanks to the experiences he'd had during the Game that he was able to move past that and truly learn to live in the present.

The world did end with him, and if he let it, it would never grow.

That didn't mean everything in the Game had been a good thing, though. Neku didn't like to think of the negatives, but ti was why he was chasing after those answers so strongly. He still remembered dying. Not once, but twice. He still remembered the exhaustion of fighting for his life and the anxiety that came with it. Hell, even in the hallways at school he still flinched if someone snuck up behind him too quick. Some nights, he even slept with the light on, because actually going to _sleep_ , something that had been a given for so much of his life, was suddenly unusual thanks to the Game.

It felt like for everything he'd gained, he'd lost something in return.

Admitting Joshua was right, however, was like swallowing a loaded gun. And he wasn't even sure he _was_ right, not really. Hanekoma had done the best he could, but obviously there were things he didn't know or couldn't answer. Things that only Joshua could. Maybe it was naive, but part of Neku was holding out hope that getting the proper answers from the Composer himself would do him better.

He sighed, rolling over on his bed in a poor attempt to get comfortable. It was hard to be grateful for a second chance at life when so much of it was spent feeling like that; unsure and uncomfortable.

* * *

The next time he ran into Joshua, it was right in front of the Udagawa mural. CAT had recently started to redo it, likely with new imprints this time, and Neku had wanted to see it for himself. It was only recently that CAT started to be more truly active again, instead of just leaving random tags in new places.

"This is nostalgic," Joshua said to him, smiling in that Cheshire cat sort of way of his. "Even if the mural is a bit different now."

_Bit_ was an understatement, but Neku ignored that in favor of scowling. "Nostalgic?" He asked, crossing his arms over his chest, sketchbook long forgotten next to him. "You shot me here, Josh. Not sure if that's the word I'd use."

The Composer shrugged, choosing to instead join him on the ground. "And yet you don't seem too torn up over being here," he pointed out in return. "In fact, I would go as far as to say you're enjoying yourself. You masochist, you."

That was mostly true. It had taken him awhile to finally gather up the courage to come here, but honestly, it hadn't been as difficult as Neku had initially thought. While the place itself held some bad memories, the positive tended to outweigh them. And even the worst one - getting shot - he had long ago begun to think of in a different light.

Unlike most people, he was alive. He'd had a bullet in his body and he came out on the other side. Part of it was probably trauma, Neku knew, but he'd changed so much during the Game. Come out as a better person. It was hard to think of that time in a negative light when, really, all he remembered was the physical pain. And even that hadn't lasted long, because he'd blacked out before long.

His dying experience was probably pretty good, all things considered. He almost laughed at himself for thinking that.

So he shrugged, still ignoring his sketchbook. "Maybe I'll leave now that you're here," he told Joshua, but they both knew the threat was empty. "What are you doing here?"

He was starting to get more used to the other boy's random appearances. It was certainly better then the whole of Shibuya playing mild tricks on him. And the odd feeling in his stomach seemed to settle whenever he was around.

Though, there were some complications, too.

For one thing, Neku was beginning to hate the things he noticed. The way the light caught on his hair. His different smiles, depending on the mood. How he said his name when they spoke. He was most definitely not ready to dissect what that all meant, even if Shiki certainly was.

"I wanted to join you for old time's sake. I have very fond memories here, you know," Joshua said, peering at the open page that Neku had left open. Before Neku could ask what _that_ meant, he continued talking. "What were you drawing?"

It wasn't much. At least, not to Neku. It was a sketch for a potential mural of his own, with idealized versions of the different sections of Shibuya that he'd seen from the Game. There were bits and pieces from all the places he had went with all his partners, but through a kinder lens - the lens that he thought Joshua might have been looking for, when he first started his Game for Shibuya's future. The lens that he had started to see the world through thanks to that Game.

The sketch was still very much in its rough stages, but the way Joshua's eyes roamed the page made him feel anything but embarrassed as he normally would.

Still, he shut the book. "Nothing really," he said, shifting awkwardly. Talking about his art was never something he'd been good at, even now.

The smile Joshua gave him was kinder than the previous. "It didn't look like nothing." Neku opened his mouth to tell him to drop it, but Joshua swiftly continued over him again. "But that's neither here nor there. Did Sanae gossip about me, or is that something you can't tell me?"

It was a merciful change of topics, almost. Neku couldn't help but wince. "It was good to see him," was all he could come up with at first. How did he even go about telling Josh that it hadn't been helpful in the slightest? That maybe he was right, and the will to move past what had happened to him had to come from him, and him alone? Or that maybe, Joshua was the only one who could truly help him move forward, since he was at the center of it all?

None of those things were topics he was willing to breach quite yet.

The look Joshua gave him made Neku feel like he was staring straight into his soul. He always kept his Player pin on him, just out of habit, but he wasn't sure if it even still worked now that he was no longer in the UG. He shoved his hand in his pocket to hold it.

Joshua seemed to catch on, and rolled his eyes. "I can really feel the trust, Neku," he said, shaking his head. "I'm not trying to scan you. Please, as the kids say these days, chill out."

Hesitantly, Neku let go. "Could you even, with this thing?" He asked, before wondering if the Composer would count that as a question and say that they still had time before their date.

Much to his surprise, Joshua shrugged. "I'm the Composer," he stated blandly. "If we're in Shibuya, my powers are limitless." He didn't sound proud of it, though, or even egotistical like Neku might've expected in the past. It was just a fact to him, plain and simple.

Staring at him, the thought of how well he really knew Joshua crossed his mind. He knew what Joshua was like in the Game - he knew the snarky, too smart for his own good boy who had dropped out of nowhere to become his partner. He knew the Composer, at least somewhat; the being who ruled over Shibuya who had come to once again love the city it created. Those were both parts of Joshua.

But there was so much more about the boy that Neku didn't know. Things that some would consider basics to a friendship; likes and dislikes, favorite foods, what kind of music he enjoyed.

_Well_ , Neku thought wryly, when it came to music, he was sure Joshua would say Neku's own.

"Do you wanna go for a walk?" Neku asked suddenly, breaking the silence that had started to settle in over them. He grabbed his sketchbook and shoved it in his bag, before hastily getting to his feet and offering a hand out for Joshua. "Just… like old times," he decided on, mimicking the other boy from earlier.

Blinking, Joshua gingerly took his hand, almost as if he were afraid he'd break it. Neku tried his best to catalog the way it felt in his own without being too obvious about it. "That sounds lovely," he agreed, not letting go of Neku's hand quite yet. "Do you have a destination in mind?"

"No." Instead of letting his hand drop, he kept his hand placed firmly in Joshua's own. It was warm, warmer than he thought it would be - wasn't Joshua supposed to be dead? Or did changing his frequency to exist in the RG give him more of a physical form? Neku shook his head to clear it. None of that really mattered right then. "I just want to walk with you."

"Then walk we shall, my dear," Joshua said, giving his hand a gentle squeeze.

Though he was the one that suggested it, Neku soon found himself following wherever Joshua was leading them. He found he didn't mind it quite so much this time around.

* * *

Though he knew Joshua was probably listening to him - honestly a little creepy, but nothing Neku wasn't used to at this point in time - he finally broke when Shiki cornered him the next day after school. She and Eri had apparently spotted the two of them walking together yesterday, completely lost in themselves, and he was cursing himself for letting it happen.

Knowing Joshua, he probably knew they were there. And probably kept a firm hold on his hand the whole time on purpose. _Asshole_ , Neku had thought, most certainly not for the first time.

"Do you like him?" Shiki asked him point blank, no longer bothering with beating around the bush. In a way, Neku was glad for it. During the Game, she'd grown more used to speaking her mind, and it was nice to see her embrace that side of herself in the RG too. "I don't know him well, really, but he seems kind of…" Her nose scrunched up, and Neku found himself nodding.

"Stuck up? Kind of like a prick?" He asked, and almost laughed when she blushed and nodded.

"He's a little off putting, I won't lie," she said, shifting through yet another rack of clothes at D+B. "But if you like him, Neku, I'll always support you. You should be happy."

Though it was never in question, Neku couldn't help but be humbled once again by his friends' loyalty to him. Those three weeks in the Game had really, truly, changed his entire life. "Thanks, Shiki." He sighed, trying to focus on anything _other_ than the fact that the boy in question would undoubtedly hear whatever he had to say next. "I… I think I do," he told her honestly, not quite sure if that was the best way to describe the feelings he was experiencing when it came to him. "I realized yesterday, before we went on that walk, that I didn't really know him all that well. So I don't really think I can say I _like_ him. Hell, he's really obnoxious most of the time."

Shiki turned from the clothing she was sifting through to give him a gentle smile. "Neku, the two of you were partners. Just like us. How many things do you really know about me?" She asked him, reaching to give his arm a gentle squeeze.

When Neku stopped to think about it, she wasn't _wrong_. Though she and Beat and Rhyme - and Joshua - were his closest friends, the amount they actually knew about the basics were limited to the time they'd known each other. Their bonds were based on something much deeper; on the life changing experience they had went through together in the Game. They trusted each other implicitly, and they might not always get along or _like_ each other, but they did love each other.

Maybe that could be the same when it came to Joshua, too. Maybe he really didn't have to know what kind of food he preferred or what he liked to do in his spare time to be having those kinds of feelings. Just like with everyone else, he could learn as they went.

And maybe, Neku realized in a rush, he could learn how to move on as he went, too. Did he _really_ need to know the answers to everything that had happened to him to be able to start that process? Sure, he remembered more than the others did, but they seemed to be starting along the path to a brighter future without that knowledge at all.

Shiki and Eri had reconciled, and the two of them were closer than ever, making clothes at a practically blinding speed. Beat might not have a direction like his little sister, but he was working hard to figure it out, and doing his best to be a good big brother. And while Rhyme might have lost her dream permanently, that didn't mean that she couldn't try to figure out a new one. She had so much life to live now, being the youngest of the group. They _all_ had so much to life for now.

"So," Shiki said, quietly breaking him out of his reverie, "tell me how you really feel about him. If you're honest with yourself, I think it'll be easier for you."

He knew exactly where she'd gotten that idea from. Looking down at his shoes, Neku did his best to pretend like speaking the words into existence wouldn't somehow change everything. "I thought I just wanted him to be around more," he said, thinking back to the first time he'd finally shown up at their weekly Hachiko meetups. "But hell, Shiki, even with how much of an asshole he can be, I really enjoy his company. I want to know all the things I haven't learned yet. I want to…" He trailed off, not really sure how to even talk about this at all.

"You want to..?" Shiki prompted, clothing shopping completely forgotten.

Neku groaned. "Shit, I'm in love with him."

In some ways, it was the truth Neku had known and been hiding from the moment he'd woken up for the third week, when he thought that Joshua had not actually been the one to kill him originally. Over the week they'd spent together, they'd connected in a way that Neku had never experienced before. Things with Joshua were never _easy_ , but they at least felt natural. It was never boring when they were together. It was, honestly, fun.

And more than that, Joshua had presumably chosen him as his proxy for a reason. The conversations they'd had, the way that Neku felt like there was someone who understood his previous bleak outlook on the world… it was eye opening. And when Joshua had shot him again, when Neku had woken up again in Shibuya, he had felt his heart break.

Of course, that was before he realized that Joshua had given him back his life anyways, and hadn't destroyed the Shibuya that Neku had come to love so deeply. But his heart had broken for more than just the loss of the city, and his friends - it had broken for Joshua, too. And when it became apparent that the Composer hadn't just up and forgot about him, Neku had felt it start to mend.

The sound of Shiki laughing snapped him back to the present. Her shoulder shook in full force, Mr. Mew being dragged along for the ride in her hands.

"Shut up." Neku looked away, face red. "Shut up, stop laughing, it's not funny!"

Shiki, however, had no mercy. Her laughter only grew louder, and Neku once again desperately wished he still wore his headphones. He could practically _feel_ the store clerk staring at the two of them. "It's actually really funny," Shiki told him through her laughter. "Neku, we've all _known_. I'm pretty sure he knows, too."

Neku groaned, hiding his burning face with his hands. He didn't think he'd ever been this embarrassed. Not even when Joshua had spent half a day fighting Noise in a Lapin Angelique dress for shits and giggles. And probably to annoy him.

"Shiki, please, stop talking," he said, trying to pretend that she hadn't said that Joshua had already _known_. _Well,_ he reasoned to himself, _if he hadn't before, he definitely did now_.

Shibuya was too kind to him for this, but sometimes, Neku really wished the ground could open up and swallow him whole.

* * *

What did he really need to move on? Neku asked himself that question the whole way back to his house, and for the next few days, too. He had thought, since the Game had ended, that he'd wanted answers. If he could know everything that had happened to him, have an answer for absolutely everything he could ever wonder about the whole ordeal, he thought that would be all he needed. All the questions he'd had could suddenly be answered, and with each new answer filling his brain, maybe eventually he'd stop asking in the first place and accept it for what it was, and what it did for him.

Now, though, he was wondering if it were possible to skip that step all together. Shiki, Beat, Rhyme… they had all seemed to. And Neku knew it wasn't simple, all the time; there were still nights where Shiki would wake him at early hours of the morning crying, or Beat wouldn't let Rhyme out of his sight for fear of letting something happen to her again.

Yes, they hadn't been shot and remembered it. No, they hadn't had their partner turn out to be the one who killed them, and then was also the reason they were in the Game in the first place. They really didn't have quite as much baggage to go around, compared to Neku, but that didn't mean it wasn't challenging for them to move on.

Neku _thought_ he'd been trying. Throwing himself back into his art, hanging out with his newfound friends, trying to be a more open person in general… he really was trying to be better. To use the second chance at life he'd been gifted wisely, as if it would be taken away from him again if he didn't. But part of him, a large part of him, was still stuck in the UG; heart locked away with the dead.

Letting go without the answers felt like an impossible task. But if he could fall in love without all the answers, why couldn't he learn them as he went? Moving on, Neku was slowly starting to accept, wasn't just about suddenly being able to move past what had happened to him. It was learning to live with the fact that it had happened. It was learning to be better, to be happy, and to be okay with leaving it in the past.

In reality, the Game was just another experience. So was dying. So was getting shot. So was falling in love, or making new friends, or tagging a street wall for the very first time. Life was just made up of experiences, and living was just expanding those experiences, and making room for new ones.

Like everything, Neku knew that things wouldn't always feel like this; like problems he could tackle instead of a tidal wave of feelings he couldn't quite reach. But any step forward was just that, and it was better than the confused haze he operated on most of the time in regards to the Game.

He'd take it.

* * *

After their walk, he didn't see Joshua again until their month was up. Though Neku had been half convinced he wouldn't show, Joshua was already there waiting by the time he showed up to Hachiko, looking terribly smug.

Neku almost turned right around and walked out, but didn't have the heart to. It hadn't exactly been long since he'd last seen the other boy, but he'd - begrudgingly - missed him. Not that he would ever admit that out loud, probably

"Neku, dear, how lovely to see you," Joshua greeted, the smirk not leaving his lips for even a second. If there was any doubt in Neku's mind that he'd heard his conversation with Shiki that day, it was gone now. _Asshole,_ Neku thought, not even close to the first time. "I've been looking forward to this date for weeks."

He looked away with a roll of his eyes. "Right."

"What have you planned for our wonderful first date?" Joshua asked, clearly making sure he brought his obnoxious levels up to 100 that day. "I really have been excited, you know."

Part of Neku really, really wanted to believe him. Ever since he'd admitted his feelings out loud, he'd noticed that kind of thing inside his own head. Shit, he was pathetic. "Ramen first," he said, "then we'll go from there."

It wasn't the most creative idea for a starting point, but it was easy. Familiar, like walking with Joshua the other day. Plus, he was starving. His nerves made it difficult for him to stomach anything that morning, and he hadn't thought to eat something before heading over to meet at Hachiko. It was more than a little stupid of him, really, but he wasn't exactly about to let Joshua in on that part.

To his credit, Joshua didn't protest. "You're paying, of course," was all he said, reaching out for Neku's hand. He tried not to let his face flush.

He was probably failing. "Of course," he agreed with a roll of his eyes. As if that would change anytime soon.

* * *

Ken Doi was excited as ever to see them, putting his newest specialty idea in front of them without Neku even getting a word in. Joshua seemed delighted by the concoction that was placed in front of him, which wasn't exactly a surprise. This time around it was hot dog flavored, which had sounded ridiculous but wasn't actually as awful as he'd expected.

They were finished eating faster than Neku would've liked, as he still had no idea what a date was even supposed to look like. What did people his age even _do_ for fun? He had lived so much of his life before the Game trying his best to ignore the masses that he really had no idea. His idea of fun was generally street art and music, which weren't exactly two people activities and certainly wouldn't impress the Composer of Shibuya. Who, of course, valued Imagination and could hear the music of the world around them at a constant, so even if it _was_ he wouldn't be impressing him.

Neku scowled to himself for a moment. The fact that he was even taking into consideration what would impress Joshua was irritating. This whole being in love thing sucked.

But Joshua was looking at him with that expectant, smug smirk on his face, and Neku started to panic. "Tin Pin Slammer?" He blurted out without thinking, and Joshua looked like he was holding back some sort of laughter.

"This is beginning to feel awfully familiar, you do realize," he replied, making sure Neku knew that _he_ knew how little Neku had thought this through.

He was well, well aware. "Got a better idea?"

Joshua's smile changed from obnoxious to relaxed. The gentle look that took the air right from Neku's lungs returned, and once again, Neku found himself completely at the mercy of the boy in front of him. With care, Joshua took Neku's hand as he had earlier, lacing their fingers together.

The purple of his eyes seemed to sparkle in the sunlight. "I do, actually," he said, nodding. "Are you ready?"

Furrowing his eyebrows, Neku cocked his head to the side. Before he could even ask what Joshua meant, he felt his frequency change suddenly. The world around them kept moving, but Neku knew almost instantly Joshua had brought them into the UG.

"Sorry," Joshua apologized before Neku had a chance to open his mouth. A rarity in itself, which left Neku not even able to form a proper question. "This might be uncomfortable for you."

The world around them seemed to stop moving, and while he was still trying to take in the sight, everything shifted violently. The colors around him blurred until he could no longer make anything out, and just as sudden and violently everything snapped back into focus. But they were no longer outside, on the ground - they were both on a rooftop, looking down at the people walking about in Shibuya.

Breathing heavily, Neku fought the urge to vomit. Joshua, for how much of a prick he usually was, had the decency to look somewhat apologetic.

"It takes some getting used to," he explained, giving Neku some space. "You become accustomed to it after a short time."

Throwing the other boy a glare, Neku finally managed to stand up straighter and take in where they had teleported to. "Please tell me there won't be a next time of that," he said, breathing still rough and ragged. He'd never been one to get motion sickness, but that had been something else.

Once the blurriness had finally started to leave his vision, Neku took a good look around him. The only other time he'd been up this high above Shibuya had been at the top of Pork City, and the view hadn't exactly been what he'd been focusing on then. Now, though, he took his time to really _look_. The people who made the city the wonderful place it was looked so small from where he was, but he could still see how full of life everything looked. Colors popped everywhere, the sunshine illuminating the streets he knew so well in a warm yellow. This view almost looked like…

"Are we on top of 104?" Neku asked after a moment, their location finally dawning on him.

"Quick on the uptake as ever, I see." Joshua gave him a nod, not looking away from the city streets. "We are indeed. Beautiful, isn't it? The city you saved."

_Oh_. Neku had honestly never thought of it in that respect, because to him, he hadn't. He'd failed to pull the trigger during their real and final game, and the only reason any of them were still here was because Joshua had taken mercy on them all. Changed his mind. Whatever. Neku wasn't really sure which it was.

Shibuya was a sprawling mass below them. Lately, he'd caught himself thinking the city was beautiful, but there was something otherworldly about looking down on it like this. And not just because the were still residing in the UG frequency, either - Neku almost felt like he could feel the creativity and love so many of the residents had from up above.

"I didn't think so for the longest time," Joshua admitted when Neku hadn't replied. "Boring, mundane - those were words I'd sooner use."

Neku swallowed. "And now?" He asked, though he was already sure of the answer. His very life was proof of it.

Joshua finally turned to him, his lips twitching upwards for a moment. "I can admit my faults on occasion," he said, leaving it at that. Neku nodded, exhaling slowly. "If you'd still like, I'll answer your questions now."

"But our date isn't finished yet," Neku pointed out, feeling a bit lame for even saying it. His time with Joshua was something he'd learned to treasure. He wasn't sure if he was ready to end it quite yet.

Chuckling, Joshua spread his arms out, reminiscent of the end of the second week of the Game. "If you still would like, I'll answer any of your questions now," he said instead of replying to Neku's actual words. "A deal is a deal, after all, and you have absolutely fulfilled your part of the bargain." If Neku didn't know any better, he'd say Joshua almost sounded sad about it.

The chance that he had been grasping at for so long felt hollow now. As much as he hated admitting Joshua had been right about anything, Neku knew in his heart that getting any of the answers would not help him heal. Most of the things that he wanted answers to weren't even things that pertained to his time in the Game, like how it worked, and how long Joshua had been at the helm of the city.

It really didn't matter, he'd realized. So much of that information would likely come to him sooner or later with the company he kept, and the things that _might_ actually be relevant suddenly no longer seemed important. Why Joshua had chosen him, why he'd given them all a second chance at life despite Neku losing the final game… none of it mattered anymore, since he realized what his feelings had developed into. He could spend night after night agonizing, but Joshua had been right all along. The peace he so desperately sought after, the understanding and acceptance, it all had to come from him. Not Joshua, not Hanekoma, not Shiki or Beat or Rhyme.

Neku, and Neku alone, could start walking towards the future and stop being stuck in the past. Nobody else could control his feet. Just him.

"Just one, then." Neku took a deep breath, secretly glad that the Composer was still facing away from him. "How do you feel about me?"

Joshua turned around, grinning wildly. It wasn't an expression he was used to seeing on him, but that didn't make it bad. In fact, Neku desperately wished his eyes could take a picture. "That's not playing fair," he said, closing the space between them. "I may have agreed to answer any question you might throw at me, but I'm surprised you'd bother asking something you already know the answer to."

In the briefest of moments, the distance between them dissolved, and Neku snapped his eyes shut the second he realized Joshua was kissing him. He'd never been kissed before, but he could instantly understand why people seemed enraptured by it. The pressure against his lips was soft, Joshua's lips were soft, and it almost felt like there was electricity running through his veins in the place where Joshua's hands touched - his arms, his back, his neck.

When they broke apart, Joshua could've said anything and Neku would've agreed without a second thought. The Composer's eyes seemed to hold every star in the sky. "I hope that answer will suffice," he said, still close enough that Neku could feel his breath fan out over his face.

The sunlight was still bright in the sky, but he wouldn't have even been surprised if they'd spent hours up there, just staring at each other. "Yeah," Neku finally agreed, a shaky laugh leaving his lips. "Yeah, I think that does."

* * *

There must have been something different about the way he carried himself into school the next morning, because Shiki noticed instantly. When lunch break came around, she stood outside of his classroom door with a knowing look in her eyes.

"You look happy, Neku," she whispered, smiling at him. "Did you figure it out? What you needed? Or is this about-"

"Both," he interrupted, not wanting the other kids around to hear. Joshua had already started enough rumors when he'd shown up the other day. He didn't need that getting any more out of control than it already was. "Both, I think."

And it wasn't a lie. Knowing where he stood with the Composer had helped him in more ways than one. And even besides that, having a new game plan - a new way to think about the things that had happened to him - had brought him the start of an inner peace he hadn't really known was possible since waking up for a final time in the Scramble.

It had been more painful than he'd been willing to admit to see Shiki, Beat, and Rhyme start to move forward. Not because he wasn't happy to see his friends happy, because of course he was, but because he felt like he was being left behind. They were the only people who he could talk to about what had happened besides the Reapers or Hanekoma and Joshua, and the idea that they were content to start leaving it in the past and tackle their second chance at living head on was the harsh reality that he hadn't been ready to face.

There would always be a part of him that was stuck there, in those three lost weeks. He could keep going and could get better and feel better, but those three weeks had changed him irreversibly. Not just in how he thought about himself and the world around him, but his whole existence had been changed. He had friends, he had more than that in Joshua now. Accepting that he could be changed forever by what had happened but could also move forward was something he hadn't known how to do.

Neku still wasn't really sure he knew what he was doing. He might fall back somewhere along the way, demanding answers from those around him once more. In fact, he was sure it would happen; he was, indeed, only human.

But that was alright. He had people to lift him back up, now.

"I'm happy for you, Neku," Shiki told him, nodding resolutely. "But don't think you're getting out of giving me the details."

He grinned. "I sure can try, though."

**Author's Note:**

> anyways i love joshneku. i'm fully enraptured by them. i've been listening to my fanmix on repeat since i created it. i haven't stopped thinking about them for three weeks. i hate this i was not ready for this level of commitment to another ship this was supposed to be like 1/3 of the length HOW did it manage to get to 10k i have absolutely no idea!!!!! but yeah expect more joshneku from me bc here we are ig. i've learned to just accept whatever my brain does lmao. hope y'all enjoyed and hopefully i can bring better joshneku content to people soon :)


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